a time to be reborn

I rather enjoy spring. It is one of those seasons that reminds me a new beginnings and the many blessings that I have been given by God.  I feel like I am finally coming out of the fog that has been over place me and my husband for that last month or so.

Last month we found out that I was going to have a miscarriage. Now it seems as though no one talks about miscarriage. It is a deeply personal issue to deal with. But having gone through it myself now, I felt as though I should talk about my story in an effort to help heal myself and just let someone else know that it happens and more than we really want to think about.

When I found out I did a lot of crying, blamed myself (even though I knew this wasn’t my fault), and just wanted to be away from other people (especially those who knew about the pregnancy). If the only thing I learned from this devastating loss is that I’m a lot stronger than I give myself credit. Sure I have my moments when something will trigger the emotions, but it is okay to cry it is all part of the grieving process. Personally for me it was more difficult to go to church than to head back to work. I was angry with God for the first few days and when I really started to miscarry I just couldn’t handle the comfort that they were trying to offer me. I have found strength through talking with other members of my church and co-workers who have gone through this themselves. Everyday I am getting back to my old self, but I still have thoughts about what could have been and it is tough.  It is tough seeing a newborn baby, or seeing other women who are pregnant. I just get angry and I know it is not their fault or my own I am just dealing with a loss of a baby. The pain does get better, but I’m not sure that the hurt will entirely go away.

Having an amazingly supportive husband has been the best source of comfort. Knowing when to just hold me and shut up. Dealing with comments from people we know so I didn’t have to take them on myself, he was a great barrier, even though it has been difficult on him as well. Crying together and just comforting one another is the best anyone can hope for during a time of loss.

Words of advice. If you know someone who has recently had a miscarriage the best thing in my opinion that you can do is just tell them that you are praying for them or say nothing at all. I got so tired of people telling me their were sorry for our loss, most of the time I just wanted to scream at them.

So as spring finally appears in Michigan, I feel as though I’m being reborn and my faith has never been stronger. It’s funny how trials and tribulations that test your faith always seem to make it stronger. Well this is my time to be reborn and I am giving God complete control, it should be interesting to see where life goes from here.

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